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The Island of Misfit Monsters (TIMM) 19: Ass Kicked

Updated: Aug 3, 2023

Pictured: A desperate man at the end of his pitiful rope . . .
Any job worth doing . . .

Welcome back to a special .5 episode of the Delicious Cupcakes, starring the fair haired pinked boy Lucius. And boy let me tell you, it is special.

You see, Lucius had been a bit down about his performance in most of the fights he'd participated in since his rather clumsy emancipation. And, other than the Duke fight, that's exactly what would have been on his trophy: Participant.

He wasn't doing well. He tripped himself as often as he tripped his enemies. He missed scores of hits he had no excuse to. He continuously failed reflex saves. I'll say that again. THE MONK PERSISTENTLY FAILED REFLEX SAVES!

Okay, I'm over it. Well, not really . . .

Long story short, he hadn't gotten his mojo back yet. Not surprising really; it's kind of expected when you've spent more than six hundred years in a cage that would have made a sardine whimper with claustrophobia, that you would be a little clumsy. Most of us would be an unmoving pile of dust by then, so he's really not doing badly. Gotta keep telling myself that. Hell, just the fact that our devil didn't walk with a stoop was impressive.

But understandable was not excusable. Prince Adam, the black-hearted, cruel, torturous, filthy, vile, etc. etc. etc.

He goes on like that for some time, and yes, he's fully aware of the irony of a devil condemning such acts. Perhaps he's jealous? But, to cut a long insult short, the showdown was coming. And he wasn't ready. He needed more training.

Not that there were any dojos about. And, most masters (including his original) would have spit in his face as much as help him. But he needed someone to train with.

Not any member of the party. He didn't trust them; far too chaotic for his tastes. Duke hadn't been much of a challenge at all for him. The walrus king was clearly an idiot, and not much of a fighter to boot. So who did that leave?

How about the Draco Lich they'd met in the cave? He looked like a good challenge. Yes, Lucius would teleport there and kill the dragon. That should get him back on track. Or dead. At this point either was preferable to stumbling around the battlefield like Jar Jar Binks in the midst of a hangover. really.

But first, he needed to power up a bit. And he knew just how to do it . . .

{Player's Note: The DM and I had established early on that Lucius had only just earned his spurs (which is a much more menacing phrase when applied to a newly minted devil, if you think about it) when he'd set off to apprehend Prince Adam and his pet Demon. He was not far enough in Hell's bureaucracy to actually grant the common gifts idiots bargained with devils for. But he could make introductions. And, of course, there would be a finders fee for such.}

So, before any of the others could reach their destination, he abundant stepped to the ship. There he rounded up the dwarf and Libya (once a Lamia). He pointed out how they'd all suffered horribly. He pointed out that the Prince had to be stopped. He pointed out how sweet vengeance could be. He then pointed out that he might just no someone. A guy. A guy who could grant them the power to take their vengeance on the little bastard.

The Dwarf seemed quite tempted, but refused, more out of the dwarfly habit for stubbornness than from any actual moral complaint. Libya, on the other hand, seemed to jump at the chance. A quick signing of the standard Devil Bound contract (with a rider that converted her hit dice into 12 class levels) and it was done.

Then he teleported to the Bordello. Rinse and repeat. There he managed to convince Victoria to accept the exact same agreement. (Yes, he corrupted Nelzask's girlfriend.)

{Player's Note: For these the DM felt (and I agree) that using the rules for diplomacy would break the game. I had a +30 to diplomacy. I had a decent shot of convincing the high cleric of Arete to scrawl their John Hancock on the line. Instead she made it an opposed check with my diplomacy on one end and their will save on the other, modified by the standard diplomacy modifiers of course.}

And his boons? For the first he gained the stat bonuses from the devilbound template again and his cloak of resists was enhanced to plus five with the cloak of fiery vanishings tacked on for good measure. Victoria's contract gained him the feat Iron Will, and improved his Bracers of Armor to +5 with Moderate Fortification.

But, you know that old saw about good deeds? Turns out, evil deeds don't go unpunished either. Because despite all those boons, when he teleported into the dragon's cave and proceeded to whiffed at the sleeping dragon. Yep, he missed the sleeping dragon. Which was just more evidence that he needed improvement. Although, the argument could be made that it was also evidence that this was not the right course to achieve said improvement.

Not that the dragon didn't notice the failed melee attack. It woke up and demanded to know his business. Not to be deterred by a series of unfortunate rolls, Lucius explained that he needed practice and took another swing. Again, it did not go well.

{Player's Note: It's not that his AC was that impossibly high. I mean, the DM did kick it up to CR 18 for this, so it was high. But not ridiculously so. As I've said in the past, my dice hate me. And, for some reason, no one else will let me use theirs. . .}

The dragon quickly agreed that he did need practice, and suggested a nonlethal bout. Seeing how things were going, Lucius agreed just as quickly.

The fight was quite the amusement to the dragon, who watched Lucius crit fail FOUR FUCKING TIMES IN ROUND 2!!!! Four times! Not one or two or three. FOUR! In one round!

Okay, okay, deep breaths. Out with the in, good with the bad. Whoozaa.

Needless to say, Lucius lost that fight. It didn't even take much longer because he also failed the will save on the Lich's Paralyzing Touch ability. For the record, he has to roll a 7. And he'd already used a hero point to add 4 to his save in the first round!

The dragon was even feeling bad about it by the end. I mean, how much of a fuck up do you have to be when the target of your assassination attempt pities you???

Yes, I see you pointing at me, and I'd really like you to stop it.

The dragon undid the paralyzed effect and Lucius sat back to regain his hit points. The dragon suggested he come back on the morrow to try again, and he agreed. Then he struck up a conversation with the dragon, in part out of curiosity, and partly because he felt he owed it something for its time. Not that the amusement it had gained shouldn't have been enough . . .

Yes, that's right; somehow they went from assassin and victim to friends. Seems like it would take an entire movie just to make that move right? But, through their conversation, Lucius managed to wheedle out that Prince Adam has possession of his one phylactery. Apparently the prince had threatened that if the dragon left the cave it would have one less phylactery.

The fact that it hadn't killed him when he initially attacked began to make more sense. It was more of an enemy of my enemy situation than any benevolence on its part.

Lucius appeared at the exact same time the next day and they fought again. This time the dice were far less obtrusive.

{Player's Note: I may have threatened to purchase a kiln and melt the metal gremlins into paperweights if they didn't start playing nice.}

Lucius pulled that one out, but it was close. (DING!) The dragon suggested they meet again on the next day, as it was the last day they could be sure Adam wouldn't arrive.

On the third day Lucius failed the save against the paralyzing touch (again!), but after removing that persnickety ailment the dragon suggested they keep going. Lucius won by fourteen points, but really it was a draw.

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