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The Island of Misfit Monsters (TIMM) 16: Are you a God?

Updated: Aug 3, 2023

Gozer's look when she realizes the group already brought its own form of the destructor.
Such a vague question in Pathfinder

I mean, really, never ask a Pathfinder character if they're a god. They'll give you a five minute soliloquy on the subject of their divinity, or upcoming divinity, or hidden divinity, ad nauseum. It's just pandering to their ego really. And that's just a normal Pathfinder. Then there's the Delicious Cupcakes . . .

Not that we started the session that way. It wasn't like having a bath bubbles clad demon question our divinity was some sort of prize for besting Duke in his own house. No, we had to work up to that.

Starting with the first floor of the first tower. The door was locked of course, but when there's a fourteen foot half-ogre in the party, words like locked and sealed start to lose their meaning.

They immediately wished he hadn't opened the door though. A thick green cloud billowed out, carrying the stench of rotting food with it. Fort checks all around! Only the Minotaur failed the save. Turns out making the bard puke his guts out is an effective way to render said bard impotent. Have to remember that for my next campaign . . .

As the rest of the group waited impatiently for it to retch its guts out, Lucius and Nelzask peeked into the tower. The floor was covered by food that appeared to be centuries old. And that, in turn, was covered in a layer of green slime. The source of that ectoplasmic goop could be seen zipping around the room trying to eat the food it had failed to eat so many times before.

As they watched, it looked up, spotting them. Then it charged. Unwilling to take an ectoplasmic bath, they hurriedly slammed the doors. Strangely enough, that worked.

When they opened them again it was just a crack. The gluttonous ghost had gone back to patrolling his beat. It was at this point that Killgore made what was probably the most heroic sacrifice of the entire campaign: he offered to feed the ghost as a distraction.

The rest of the group readily accepted his plan with a 'better thee than me' attitude. So it was that he pulled a piece of whale meat from his BOH and entered the room. Slimer immediately took the bait, but in his enthusiasm he slimed more than just the whale meat. He got Killgore's entire arm as well. After that he was the Bugbear's best friend for life. Or BFF if you prefer.

Meanwhile, Lucius used the distraction to sneak up the stairs to the right and check on the next floor. He didn't get very far; as usual the door at the top of the stairs was locked. The group tried to move their designated lock picker up to deal with this minor annoyance. That's when the downside of having a fourteen foot tall Half-Ogre in the group reared its ugly head. And believe you me, it is an ugly head.

Slimer forgot all about his newest friend as he hurried over to the foot of the staircase yelling "No, no, no, no!" But he would not move up the stairs. The group tried to question him as to why they weren't to head to the second floor, but he proved rather ignorant of the higher strata in the tower. All he knew was that they shouldn't go up there. Also, his vocabulistics weren't so good.

Nelzask quickly bored of the Q and A and broke down the door. Slimer wailed and hid at the other end of the bottom floor while the group worked its way up. Peaking into that room showed a circular dais centered on the center of the floor leaving only ten feet between its edge and the outer walls. In the center sat an empty archway. On either side of said arch were two bear dog things. Lightning was arcing down from the ceiling, hitting pillars spaced about the edge of the dais.

While most of us would probably be a bit unnerved by such, Lucius stepped up and began interrogating the dogs telepathically. Much to the chagrin of the DM who'd forgotten that devils had that particular ability . . .

He was able to suss out that they were the heralds of some Gozer creature and that the portal between them would be opened when they began to be struck by lighting.

This was immediately placed in the category of what-not-to-let-happen for the group. The problem was that there appeared to be no way to the next floor. Fighting the dogs might just cause them to move into the lightning zone. And, they didn't want to get struck by lightning either if truth be told. Bunch of wimps . . .

As they mulled over their predicament it occurred to Hermin that what they needed was a way to ground the ceiling. Something large and metal, like a net. Kind of like the metal net Jimmy had shown them on the roof of the castle.

Wait a minute!

The group quickly adjourned back to the main castle, DM grumbling the whole way. A little disassembly, relocation, and reassembly later and the group had effectively short circuited the portal summoning franastat the DM had worked so hard to build. Which left only one thing: FIGHT!

Nelzask started the fight with an intimidating roar (using Signature Skill: Intimidate naturally). One dog failed its save and immediately bee lined it for the opposite side of the tower, where it huddled in fear for four rounds.

The group quickly dog piled the other one, managing to kill it in just under four rounds. Quite convenient, that. They then repeated that tactic with the second one. As the second dog died, both bodies crumbled into stone and formed a staircase leading to the next floor.

There they found another circle, only this one was made of powdered silver. In the center sat a chair containing a bubble clad woman who appeared quite bored. There appeared to be no other exit.

The woman perked up immediately at their entrance. I mean, lord knows the last time she'd had any entertainment at all. She beseeched them to let her out of the circle. Lucius suggested a contract. Her soul for her freedom certainly seemed fair to him. She did not agree.

Then she queried about their divinity. Lucius ignored the question in favor of searching for the exit. The Bard bluffed that he was the god of nonsensical melodies, and immediately bagpipes to prove it. One ridiculous performance check (plus an equally ridiculous bluff) later and she was convinced of his divinity. Aria responded by stepping into the circle (careful not to disturb the powder; even she's not completely insane) and attacking. The rest of the group followed suit immediately.

Lucius rolled his eyes, considered leaving this group of idiots to their fate, realized he still needed them, and joined in as well. Not that his help proved very useful; Gozer immediately flew into the air, out of his reach. Unfortunately for her, Nelzask had invested in Celestial Armor. He used it's ability to cast fly on himself and joined her. Killgore proceeded to shoot crit after crit with his composite bow. Remind me to double check his dice . . .

Lucius did summon an Erinyes in position to flank with Nelzask, not that he really needed the bonuses. She, on the other hand, needed more bonuses to even have a chance of hitting. Had the fight gone on any longer Lucius would have had her use her entangle ability to tie the flying wench up. But, between Killgore's happy-go-critical aim and Nelzask's punchity-slash happy attitude, the fight never got that far.

She fell to the ground and began crumbling to dust, using her last words to call the group fools. As she finished her advanced decomposition an illusion set in the wall opposite their entrance dropped, revealing a doorway. Lucius gave them all a hard look for wasting his time.

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