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CC: That's Not How You Do It . . .

Updated: Sep 12, 2020

When you're not sure who to blame for your death.
Zelda, Link's on the sauce again.

There are levels of failing. Consistent failure leads to an evolution of emotions. First it's frustrating for the person who failed. Then its laughable to everyone else. Then the audience starts to feel bad for this person who cannot complete a simple task. But eventually, watching that incompetent fail over and over becomes an annoyance. And the longer it continues, the greater the urge to step in and take over, to show them how it's done.

We've all been on both sides of that particular coin. I have. I'm sure you have. Haven't we all?

It can be any task. Folding a map, fixing a car, operating a computer . . . killing party members . . .

That's right, you heard me. Obviously I have some explaining to do. So do several members of the group. You see, this was a collaborative effort.

As you learned last week, the group was currently in flight after jumping into a fight without looking first. Always a bad idea, that. They made it back to the Dwarfly Caregiver/Minister/Dwarf Trafficker without further incident.

Once the reptilian part of their brains had ceded control back to the monkey brain (ie: they calmed down) their thoughts inevitably turned to revenge. Okay, Feorge and Gred's thoughts turned to revenge. In very short (get it, because their short?)(I'll see myself out) time they were able to identify one major weakness in the construct's design: it did not fly, nor have any ranged abilities.

A plan was concocted.

In short, they would fly over it, raining down destruction until their ego's had sufficiently recovered. But not today. Sleepy today. Do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and they set off on their ego-boosting adventure. Sadly they could not find said ego thieving construct. It wasn't where they'd left it. Strangely, there were no tracks. No sign of the monument sized construct's passing at all. I hate it when that happens.

It was almost like . . .

The DM didn't want us to kill it.

Oh well, I'm sure it will show up again.

But that's okay. It gave us more time to run into these bumbling twits:

Seen here: embarrassment.
Pictured: Bumbling twits.

Now, if you think that's a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers knockoff don't pat yourself on the back too hard. Five year olds could have made that particular deduction.

{Note: Honestly the premise of this particular ripoff was kind of intriguing; basically, imagine the MMPR ten years later. They've gotten tired of doing the job. They've gotten tired of each other. Fun entertainment for the whole family right? Also, they apparently had a budget of amounting to one nickel.}

Yep, it wasn't long before the group ran into these imitation heroes. At first they spied them attacking a caravan. Feorge did the only sensible thing by casting fly on himself and hovering over the battlefield where he proceeded to attempt an intimidate check.

"Who dares commit violence in my forest?!" he boomed down to those below. Okay, so he meant to say it in a booming voice. Considering the fact that I rolled a 3 it probably came out as a squeak. The statement certainly had the affect of same. Seeing his brilliant (arguable, that) plan fall apart, he then exclaimed 'AH!' and skedaddled back to the group at the maximum speed of fly. Perhaps a few inches faster really.

{Player's Note: You might note Feorge's sudden annexation of the surrounding terrain, but hey, its in the name of peace right? Lesser of two evils and all of that, right?}

The rest of the group (minus one Dwarf) lined up to meet the masquerading maniacs.

What's that? Why not the Dwarf? Interesting story that.

See, after the group's unfortunate encounter with a juggernaut, he was tasked with picking between the two Dwarf women the group had accidentally/on-purpose, saved. Feorge was of the mind that all Dwarves looked the same, but was shushed upon pointing that fact out.

Politically correct or no, it was apparently an accurate statement because Hyalnik spent the entire night trying to pick between them. Ostensibly they were just talking . . .

So the matron suggested that he take them with him. On his very dangerous quest. Into the wilds. What could go wrong?

Long story short, he was too busy flirting to help the group. It took much cajoling, catcalling, and appeals to his tankiness to get him out of the caravan. Fortunately the beginning of the fight (what I like to refer to as the foreplay) didn't really amount to much.

Also, as soon as Hyalnik got out of the wagon they were in, Kor'el got in. We aren't exactly sure of his motives. Perhaps he thought he'd help Hyalnik make his choice after a short interview. Perhaps he just liked going places he didn't belong? Maybe he was just a horny Half-Elf with a Dwarf fetish. I suppose we'll never know.

What we do know is that he attempted to flirt with them, gaining stony glances. Apparently these Dwarf women were only for Hyalnik. He then informed them that he was indeed a Half-Elf and skedaddled back to the fighting. No doubt those two Dwarf women felt suddenly very unclean . . .

Meanwhile, the Mighty Mutant Power Posers were coming at the group with fists. They were met with shields, swords, and bombs. This quickly led to them falling back to regroup, yelling something about 'It's Deforming Time!' or some such.

They then spent the next minute going through various unnecessary poses, at the end of which two things happened. One) they were all wearing flamboyant suits. Two) the caravan they'd been "attacking" disappeared to reveal an Allosaurus eidolon.

While they conducted all of this nonsense The Cupcakes buffed. And when they were done Feorge attempted to cast a firewall into their ridiculous enemies' formation. Nothing happened. He was much annoyed. But at least we now know why every enemy in the show waited for the morphing sequence to finish; apparently that whole sequence is just one big invulnerability frame.

Kind of earns a little respect for the villains doesn't it? I mean, they handled the waiting in the show much better than The Cupcakes did.

The fight started out looking much worse than it actually was. The red clad idiot enlarged, stepped forward, and proceeded to crit on a movement based AOO from 15 feet away for over 50 damage. MEDIC! He was subsequently mobbed.

The rest of the fight went about as you'd expect, save for two niggling little details. One, as a Powder Rattlebrain was defeated, they were teleported away from the fight. This had the unfortunate tendency of robbing the group of any loot, something the Cupcakes blame the DM for to this day.

The other was that something seemed to be wrong with Kor'el. Now, we all know the strain had been getting to him. He was a tree-hugger after all; he didn't like all the killing of natural animals and such, even if it was necessary. Apparently it was getting to him more than anyone realized because early in the fight he nearly max damage crit the Invulnerable Rager for 150 damage. He damned near one shot him.

Let me say that again: He almost one shot the INVULNERABLE Rager. Emphasis on the invulnerable part of that title.


But wait! There's More!

Later in the fight he did it again, albeit in a more roundabout way. By this point Adam (Player of Kor'el) had had to go to work. He'd turned the character over to Clint (player of the Invulnerable Rager). . .

Wait, now it all makes sense!

During the fight one of the Spoof Rangers had cast Shared Sacrifice on Kahdijah, who failed the save. The group could see that she winced in pain every time that bastard took a hit. Did that stop Clint from maneuvering Kor'el to strike said bastard? It did not. I mean, what could go wrong, right?

First roll: nat 20 of course! Confirmation? Nat 20! Of course. He dealt 172 damage in one hit, half of which being more than enough to kill the fighter. And Alex could not decide who to be mad at. It was Adam's character. Clint was controlling it. Dan had built it.

All in all, The Cupcakes did far more damage to The Cupcakes than the Powder Posers did, turning an easy fight into a hellish ordeal for the healer. The healer who was all set to track down the bastards for a little revenge. And again, they were untraceable. Their teleport point had been into a glade further into the woods. There were no tracks.

Oh well, I'm sure we'll see them again . . .

P.S. Rip Khadijah.

#CC #CaravanOfChaos #WithFriendsLikeTheseWhoNeedsEnemies

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