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Caravan of Chaos

There's a little munchkin in all of us . . .
Welcome friends welcome friends, to the fight that never ends . . .

{Player's Note: Before we begin, I want it known that neither Christian nor I take any responsibility for what may come. Dan brought this wholly upon himself.

How you ask? Well, that's a bit complicated. You see, Dan got the two of us together one day and asked us -asked US- if we would play twins. And, more than that, he asked us to be chaotic neutral.

Now, I know what you're thinking; we must have misheard him. Believe it or not, that's what we thought too. Christian's response was 'so you want us to be the Weasley twins? He said yes.

So, long story short, this is all his fault. All of it. I mean, he saw what happened when Christian played Quagrim. He saw how I behaved with my Dwarf. This is all on him. He literally asked for it. Man must not like his sanity is all I'm saying.}

And, now that that's out of the way, its time to get to the cast of this little dramedy: First (and rightly so) the DM: Dan Boyer, may he find life without his sanity more pleasant.

Second, Feorge Weasley as interpreted by Brandon Thompson: A pyromaniac gnome sorcerer. Much like the show Dexter, someone has attempted to put his fascination with flame to use, by steering him down the Phoenix Bloodline path. They've been . . . moderately successful. Third, his brother (yep, you guessed it) Gred Weasley, channeled by Christian Parsons: A Gnomish Tiefling. Alchemist by training, pest by disposition. Oh, and he's got quite the flare for explosions. Some of them heal. Most do not.

Fourth, Khadijah, given voice by Alex Blancarte: A woman Fighter with a penchant for blacksmithing. Basically, she gets ideas from the weapons of her slain foes. Fifth, Hyalnik, as played by Clint Jensen: A Dwarven Barbarian with a deep love of eviscerating people. Also, we think he's a redneck dwarf. If you don't believe me, just sound out his name. Who hasn't heard some drunk calling to his buddy Nicholas make exactly that sound?

Sixth, Velora Van Price, in the hands of Beth Loutzenheizer: A 17 year old Were-bat unchained rogue with a passion for whips and poisons. Basically its die fast or die slow with her.

Seventh, Kor'el (Sounds like Kal'el's nature loving hippy brother), as envisioned by Adam Taylor. A Tiefling Green Knight raised in the wild. Read: home schooled. But, unlike most home schooled people, he's interested in other views. When we meet him he is on a . . . personal quest to understand the city folk. Note: this may well have been how The Beverly Hillbillies was invented . . .

Dan started the campaign with a short solo bit with each of us. He also started us all at level 1. And on the medium xp track, something I refuse to quit whining about . . .

The Story of Gred and Velora:

Turned out that while Feorge had been away in study oriented incarceration, his brother had gotten a job at some chemist's shop. As we began, the chemist sent Gred and Velora to deliver some items. On the way they were stopped by people referring to themselves as 'The Faction'. They immediately delivered the classic ultimatum of 'join us or die', which really seems like a terrible recruiting tactic to me.

It's possible they had more to say, but we'll never know, for Gred immediately exploded them with a critical bomb hit. Velora dove in to attack whilst Gred continued pelting the enemy with explody goodness. The rest did not survive for long. Afterwards they were contracted by a very distracted old man.

The Story of Feorge:

Feorge, on the other hand, had finally been allowed a visitor. Too bad it was just some wrinkly old dude with his face firmly planted in a book. In fact, it turned out to be the very same distracted old man who'd met his brother earlier that day. Not that Feorge was aware of that.

The old man announced he had an audition for him. He thought. Either that or he was reading his book out loud. Feorge never was sure, but it was a chance to get outside.

We're unsure of why the school released him into such a . . . questionable guardian's hands. Perhaps they felt he was ready for more responsibility. But, its just as likely they were tired of having to replace the drapes.

Whatever the case may be, the old man took Feorge into a courtyard where three Dwarves awaited them. Feorge immediately dubbed them Huey, Dewey, and Louie. The old man took the unlikely foursome down into a basement where a woman had disappeared.

There they found rats. The three dwarves waded in while Feorge stood back, to heal with the flaming heals. The fight went poorly at first, until Feorge adopted a Drill Instructor's manner, intimidating all of them. As he called out commands and insults they began doing better. (No, seriously, my rolls for the dwarves improved). Afterwards the old man said 'he'll do' and recruited Feorge to help defend a caravan. We truly are unsure of which side was happier about that arrangement: Feorge, or the school at large.

The Story of Khadijah

Khadijah was . . . between jobs, when an older woman approached her. She needed a package delivered to the red light district (apparently, she could not risk being seen there herself). Khadijah, on the other hand, simply didn't care. Gold was Gold. She was warned not to open the package though.

She'd barely started off, the feeling of gainful employment adding a lilt to her step, when she noted a hand try to take the package from her bag. One butt stroke later and the would be thief was on the ground sporting a brand new shiner. She warned him against his evil ways sternly and then returned to her quest.

As she approached the entrance to the district polite people do not speak of (but still use) she was stopped by two guards. Apparently there had been some sort of a fracas. I'm thinking a mad bombing probably . . . In either case she was warned away.

But she was apparently an honorable delivery girl. She thanked the guards and turned down the nearest back alley. She quickly found that the guards' warnings were well founded for she had no more than crossed the imaginary line into the no no district when she was set upon by two masked figures. She quickly dispatched one and left the other to bleed out.

Then she delivered her package. What; like you'd stop her after watching that? She returned for her money and was offered a job defending a caravan due to depart in a couple of days.

The Story of Hyalnik

Hyalnik, on the other hand was in the midst of traveling to this as yet unnamed town in search of kin. That's all we know. Could be a brother or a father. Could be their clan's senile umpteenth great granda he's been sent to track down. We know not who it is. Nor why Hyalnik was so sure he was in that town. Our's not to reason why . . .

What we can say is that he was as positive that this kin-that-must-not-be-named was there as he was determined to find him. Why? Because, when he arrived he was warned away by a pair of guards. (Apparently there entire job consists of saying "No, wait, stop" in as bored a voice as possible). Questioning the guards revealed that this exit/entrance was closed due to trouble with some group called 'The Faction'.

{Player's Note: Finally, a DM worse at naming things than me!}

Hyalnik asked after his kinsman but the guards were of no help. They did direct him to a tavern known to be a frequent watering hole for caravans, stating that someone there might just have seen him. Hyalnik shrugged and walked the wall until he came to another entrance. But, on the way he was accosted by two (apparently this The Faction faction likes to travel in pairs; not exactly a prize winning strategy really) thieves. Hyalnik barely had time to register their existence/intentions before he'd eviscerated the both of them. He really should wear a sign that says 'I am a Dwarf Barbarian, please don't attack me'. It seems only fair.

Fast forward to a few months later (the above having been dealt with in the middle of Beth's campaign) our masterfully assembled group was sent to track down this 'The Faction' faction. It turned out to be a bunch of ornery harlots, no longer satisfied with the earnings of their professions.

The group tracked them to a plaza with a large fountain. Six of them attacked the group of 5 (Kor'el wasn't part of the group yet). They couldn't hit Gred to save their lives (which, technically, was what they were about) due to Armor of the Pit his shield extract, and mutagen. They did moderate damage to Hyalnik and heavy damage to Khadijah while our level one sorcerer struggled to keep up with the heals.

The most damage was actually done by Gred . . . to Feorge (apparently there's a bit of rivalry between them) when his crit fail turned into a crit success on his brother. Feorge may have muttered 'et tu Gred?' before passing out.

Fortunately, as Feorge lay on the ground doing a damned good impersonation of Ceaser, another combatant entered the fray! Kor'el cleaved through one harlot in short order. Meanwhile Clint's character and Gred both had to use a potion of cure light wounds to get their healer back in action.

The rest of the fight went quite quickly. As they finished the last of the harlots a group of people (thieves in my mind) showed up to clear the scene. So, no loot. The group was then told that on the morrow (that's tomorrow for those of us lucky enough to have been born in a decent century) the caravan would depart.

The trip to the next town was mostly boredom, mixed with TPK quality fights. (Like the last fight, the DM had micalculated the CRs.) Also, there was quite a bit of clenched jaws. Usually this occurred when one of the Weasleys would ask if they were there yet.

On the way they: Killed some hyenas.

Killed some Gnolls.

Hid from a few Allosauruses. The distracted wizard's wife had to force him to scare them away. Killed some more Gnolls, spreading the deathblows around quite nicely actually. (The DM is pushing the achievement feats.)

Killed random things.

Killed more Gnolls.

Eventually they made it to town, only to discover that they were having a bit of a problem with the Gnoll population in the area. And that's after the group's good work in killing so many of the things. Feorge and Gred made themselves useful healing the injured (Gred now has healing bombs: what fun!). Everyone else practiced whatever profession they had.

The next week the group learned there was a bounty on Gnoll ears. A hunt was quickly organized. On the first day they spied four around a campfire. Beth's character told everyone to stay put, sauntered behind a tree, and turned into a bat to investigate. Half of the party saw it. She spied four Gnolls and three traps laid about before returning. The Gnolls did not survive long after that. On their way back, the group ran into two more Gnolls, sending them the way of the others. (You know, from a certain perspective they are starting to look like the villains of this story . . .)

On the third week the group went back to pursuing their professions. Gred or Feorge nearly burned down the healer's lodge and were asked to leave. We don't ask who.


No longer welcome in town, the two brothers rounded everyone up for another hunt. But this time they'd go to a mountain where many ears were said to be. Once their intentions were known they were also asked to look out for some dwarves that had gone that-a-way some time ago, some druid's uplifted mongoose (Feorge was the only one to vote no on that: and that's the guy that voted yes on attacking the Allosauruses!) and some Gnoll priest of Lamashtu that was probably the cause of the current problem. Sidequests!

The group made it to the caves, killed a few Gnolls without any incident and found three dwarves manning a Gnoll crushing contraption. The Dwarves (noting that these were not gnolls) gave direction to where the rest of their kin were holed up. Hyalnik asked after his charge, but was informed that he'd moved on some time ago. Mining work was offered. More sidequest!!!!

#CC #CaravanOfChaos

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