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Spiderman Homecoming

Updated: Sep 21, 2019

Now I know how a wishbone feels . . .
Seen above: Spiderman attempting to hold the movie together with action.

When I first saw this movie I was very disappointed. My opinion did lighten somewhat after watching it again, but I still wouldn't categorize it as more than mediocre. We'll set aside the idea that a demolition cleanup crew could go all Tony Stark on a bunch of broken alien tech, or the idea that the random government tool at the beginning wouldn't have referred Toomes (aka Birdman) to Tony for reimbursement. Setting these unlikely (but necessary for the story) events aside, this movie fails four separate categories; two of them character oriented. Let's count em down.

One: I have trouble with the idea of Tony as an absentee father. His guilt and fear of hurting others is what drives him, yet he apparently uses Peter like a three dollar hooker before throwing him away like a used wet wipe. I'm not asking for much. Call the kid once a week. Maybe some face time when he's in town. Just a little 'hey swing by the tower'. But nothing. And any time he actually has to intervene he's so aggravated he comes down on Spidey like a collapsing building. I could understand him telling Spidey to leave the vulture alone if he'd had to rescue him a couple times already, but once? And then there's the ferry ride. Cause how dare Peter save FBI agents from an ambush, disarm an opponent (whose unstable weapon goes off in a wierdly bisecting manner) and hold a fucking ferry together WITH HIS BODY?! Yeah, he was way out of line. Take the suit. Next time let those FBI punks burn. And, you know, any innocent civilians that might be designated collateral damage.

Two: There is a great contrast between the Spider-Man detailed in this movie and the one that was unveiled in Captain America: Civil War. In Civil War Spidey was his snarky and cool under pressure self. His web slinging was crisp and his tactics were effective. Hell, he didn't even seem to be trying very hard for a good deal of the fight. I wasn't even planning on watching this movie in theaters (in protest at dropping the Amazing Spiderman series) before I saw Civil War.

Contrast that to the Spider Man we were treated to in this movie as he bumbled through obstacles, when he wasn't attempting to web the open air. His combat either failed or centered solely around his suit's abilities (more on that later) and he conveniently forgets about his abilities when the writers need to add drama. For instance, Spidey could have torn through a parachute like a kid through wrapping paper, but then he wouldn't have needed to be rescued by Ironman. And where was his Spider Sense when the roof was collapsing at the end of the movie? Couldn't have him go through a crisis of confidence that would have made more sense before Civil War without it, I guess.

Not to mention (why do people say that when they're mentioning that very unmentionable fact?) the fact that he's apparently so flighty that he was video taping himself in the middle of a fight. While talking about how much he wanted to impress Mr. Stark? And lets face it, I think we've had enough dick pick scares and celebrity nudes (yes they are different; one is bad and the other is good) leaked from phones that we can say no phone is safe. Why would Spidey be putting such things on his phone? Well, the only reason I can ascertain would be that they resurrected the writers from the Toby McGuire Spider-Man movies who seem to think making Spidey into Goofy is the height of hilarity. It wouldn't have surprised me if Sony had been served paperwork from Disney.

Three: the movie felt as if the writers came up with a couple good lines first and then tried to force them into the script with the mindlessness of a 6 year old using a hammer on a jigsaw puzzle. Responding with 'I was just trying to be like you' to the statement 'I don't need your death on my conscience' is barely viable but sets up the line that got everyone's attention in the trailers. But I just can't buy Spidey complaining that he's 'nothing without this suit'. It's not as if Tony just walked around town searching out a sufficiently gullible guinea pig that would fit into his newest invention. Peter was Spider-Man long before Tony had anything to do with him.

Four: the suit itself. As much as I like Iron Man (In case you haven't figured it out yet; Sci Fi nerd) this was supposed to be a story about Spider-Man, not the guy Tony Stark let field his latest suit design. But by adding sooooooooooooooo(Is that enough o's? Here's a few more just to be on the safe side)ooooo many gadgets and modes to the suit it takes the focus off of what Peter can do and puts it on Tony. Oh, and it allows Peter to argue with his suit regularly. Because he wasn't goofy enough apparently.

Aside from these flaws there's the fact that apparently Peter's life lesson was to not challenge himself, which I find to be a terrible lesson.

On the plus the actors busted their asses to make this story better than it was. Despite the amount of goofiness there were still some good snarky lines. And, of course, there was plenty of action which seems to be what most (I'm looking at you American viewer) people care most about. But for me, I'd say this move earned a grade of 60%.

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